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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.