Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

👀

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t