Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Seems kinda suspicious

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish