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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
SF is the wild wild west man
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.