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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Safety first
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.