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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.