You Might Also Like
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.