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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
They must have gotten it to go.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
🙋♀️
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.