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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Well, that didn’t work.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
