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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*