You Might Also Like
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.