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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
hey, alexa
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”