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I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.