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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers