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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people