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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Breakfast in bed.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel