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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
man: wait
time: no
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.