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Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Just got to our Airbnb!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.