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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video