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New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.