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What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.