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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
stop
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
who named him groot and not spruce lee
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Life cycle of cat
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”