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#gardening
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.