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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.