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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.