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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Basically.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My favorite farside!!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that