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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
tourist season
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.