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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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