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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
oh my god
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.