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Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.