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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
You wish you had this many chins.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer