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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Those are good neighbors.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.