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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course