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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
lost dog
