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Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
#dalle2
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.