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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
