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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
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*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!