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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
If my kids invented a drink.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.