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I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster