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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Bloody internet 😳
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
BRO LMFAO
