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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Sticker placement is key.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.