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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
A bold strategy
Effort made
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10