You Might Also Like
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
