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My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Yup
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….