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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!