You Might Also Like
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Attacked by a mop.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Spring cleaning checklist…
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off