You Might Also Like
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
dark side of the loom
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.