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I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.