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August 8
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
