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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
step 6: release the wall snake
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog