You Might Also Like
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
We made a comic about a space heater.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search