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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
