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When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.