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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.