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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos