You Might Also Like
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Yup
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.