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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Tuesday
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.