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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!