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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
fourth time’s the charm
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.