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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
This makes total sense…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.