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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this