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It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
that lip filler tho
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If my kids invented a drink.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend