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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The pasta is now
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.