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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Worst perfume name ever.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.