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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
A choir of Spring onions
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”