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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
live long and prosper!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure