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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
this is the best day of my life
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..