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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
nature’s most graceful animal
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that