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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
lmao
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
True story 🤣
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?