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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
