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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
#StillHurts
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now