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I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.