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I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.