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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.