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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Wait a second…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.