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Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I love it
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,