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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
😭😭😭
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Always the vampires
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery