You Might Also Like
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that